The line in the sand

You know how you have an advance sense that something is going to be important, or that it needs to happen…but not why? I am bowled over by the difference in myself since the book launch (which I had that feeling about), and it came in a funny way.

Let’s just say that in my family, it was my “big day.” I’d accomplished something; I was being recognized for that accomplishment; they were going to let me have “my day.”

Donny asked what I needed from him and I told him, “A few days of quiet.” He did his best to give them to me. My daughter wanted to talk of something I knew would end up being stressful the night before the launch, and I felt free to say, “We can talk about it later.” But what really did it was the smallest of things: I wanted to drive to the bookstore alone with my husband. I didn’t want to wait for anyone still getting ready, or have the usual noise of a carload, or even Henry in back in the carseat. I told Donny, “I want to get ready, and when I’m ready, get in the car with you, like two adults, and go.”

Okay – so this was the advance – the things that happened beforehand – the externals. And given that I’d honored my own nature (this is what I figure all this was), the externals of the launch event went fabulously. I felt confident, calm, and relaxed.

What happened after, the internal happening that’s stayed with me since, is a new kind of inner stillness – the kind where, instead of thinking about what you need, or what you’re going to do – you’re seeing what you need, inside and outside – and simply going with it. It arose spontaneously and it is a form of spontaneity.

It was only later that I thought about the change and got that kind of excited feeling about an intuition being so spot-on. Something in me quietly changed with the book launch. I saw that I didn’t have to have accomplished anything to have days that flow with my nature. I’ve been taking small steps in this direction. It’s really what The Given Self is all about. But something about the launch event seems to have taken me the rest of the way. I’m “there” rather than on my way.

Of course, it’s only been seven days, and I suppose that, as with any change, I’ll backslide and act out of habit. It’s already happened once – a perfect opportunity to say, “This is not a good time” that I didn’t rise to, but hey – I noticed it. It was no longer as automatic as usual to accept getting needlessly paused or distracted. I can still address things that need to be attended to, but often they can wait. This is big deal stuff to me.

To make it even more exciting, I’ve been having exchanges with A Course of Love readers who are responding in similar ways. Suddenly – as it always seems (even when you’ve been on the path for years), something is new about “you.”

One of these friends spoke of it in a vocational way that makes sense to me…and is an example used in The Dialogues of A Course of Love besides. The way he put it was… When you’re training to be a doctor, you’re still in training. You’re still a student. When you become a doctor, you put aside your student status. You can't really be a doctor if you don't do that and begin to occupy yourself with the practice of medicine.

This is kind of what this feels like. I suppose it’s partially due to it coming as it did, with the book launch. It’s as if there was this line in the sand and I crossed it. I knew it would be there someday, but I didn’t know what it would look like or when it would arise.

And then I got in the car when I was ready and drove off with my husband – like two adults.