Waiting for the Lottery?

I feel as if I can’t commit to anything other than what I’ve been doing the past ten years or so (which is a little more than writing books). I did commit – to a coffee shop that failed – signed a contract for a full five years and couldn’t quite stick it out. I began leaving it in the hands of my daughters part-time about when A Course of Love came out and, a year or so short of the years I signed on for, turned it over completely. That was my original intent, yet the circumstances didn’t quite match it. The business wasn’t successful as it was going to be in my imaginings, and failed under my daughter Mia’s watch, which was a miserable experience for her (the rest of us too, but hardest on her).

I’m leery now of making other commitments that aren’t vocational in nature. Sometimes I have this feeling that you can’t go through life feeling as if you can’t commit and leery. That waiting for your books and your vocation to come together into a life that provides a living is a bit like waiting to win the lottery. The odds aren’t with you. But then I fear I don’t have quite enough faith or trust and often leave choices unmade.

Book writing alone is one of the most intense, shot-in-the-dark experiences a person can undertake. Add writing spiritual books in whose messages you see glimmers and sometimes flashes of life-changing and world-changing wisdom, and the hope, or whatever it is, compounds. Doing anything else feels like giving up…and not in that way of surrender…more as if you’re too wimpy to hang in there.

I say all this as I contemplate taking a “companion” job assisting one or two older people to stay in their homes. I’d like to do it. I feel I’d be good at it. And then that little voice inside of me says… “What if?” What if you get into it, and someone is depending on you, and the opportunity comes along (finally, at long last, as you always knew it would) to live your vocation?

It’s funny. I had an orientation today. The director of the place said, basically, how nobody is in it for the money and that if you just want a “paying the bills” job you won’t last. But then he said, “Of course, if I won the lottery I probably wouldn’t be here. I’d be fishing or golfing…” and he laughed. He said we all have to work to pay the bills and he understood that – but it couldn’t be only that when you’re companioning a vulnerable person who will quickly grow to depend on you and even love you.

Oh, the conflict that began to brew within me. “Am I waiting for the lottery?” Man. Waiting on God feels like that sometimes. And the choices of following your heart about the toughest around….