Autonomy

About three years and seven months ago, my 27 year old daughter, fresh from working at a daycare, and loving the little ones, got pregnant, either accidentally or with a sudden urge to have her own baby (who can say for sure?). She was living at home at the time and made the announcement expecting those joyous responses that all newly pregnant women hope for. I gave her a hug, did my best to say something that wouldn’t hurt her, and commenced to worry.

My grandson just turned three and he and his mom still live with us. I still worry.

Being as they were housed in her old bedroom, Henry took to sleeping with her and has only recently been moved into his own room and own bed. He had the room for about six months before he got a twin bed to replace his toddler bed and actually started sleeping in it. This development is only about a month old.

Last night I put him to bed. It’s his mom’s second night out since the change and the second time he told me “Good bye.” This time it took a bit longer. His grandpa told him a story. I read Horton and turned out the light. Instead of falling right to sleep he was restless – not talking and urging me to let him get up – just picking at some dry skin on his lip with ferocious intensity while his little feet traveled about my legs, making me wonder if he was checking to be sure I was still there, or wishing he had more leg room. Finally he fell asleep and I got up. He followed me out the door almost immediately and asked me to come back. I did. But about five minutes later he was ready to be by himself and told me “Good bye.”

I am still amazed that he wants to be by himself, no matter how long it takes him to get there. I feel as if I’ve noticed and celebrated each of his steps to autonomy and I’m trying to brace myself for the big one when he and his mother move out. But this one – the one I know so well – that dawning of the desire to be alone! It still floors me. I wonder what goes through his mind, what he feels, what sense of himself he’s developed. To some he might seem a late bloomer in this sleeping alone business, but to me he is utterly amazing, as if he’s demonstrating a power to choose that is about as healthy as it gets.

He says what he needs: Stay. Go.

I talk about steps to autonomy in The Given Self: His. Mine. Ours.